So, I’ve had a few encounters with stretch film, and I would think they are worthy enough to take a minute to share. Granted, they aren’t terrifying and horrible like when Frodo gets wrapped up and stabbed in the stomach by the giant spider. And they aren’t as nightmarish and gruesome as the scenes that Dexter sets up for his victims. Which I’m glad about. I’m sure I wouldn’t tell them if I did. I probably wouldn’t even be able to, I would be too traumatized. I mean, a spider the size of my garage? Come on! There’s no coming back from that. And forget about Dexter. There’s certainly no coming back from that, if you catch my North Atlantic drift.
Anyhow, my own experiences with stretch film have been mild at best, but somehow more than the average person’s, and so here is one of them. Once upon a time, I was in the military. Yes, it’s true. And I’m not very old, but it was already so long ago that I sometimes wonder if it was actually me. While I was there I worked in a supply shop that ordered new parts and sent off broken ones, for one helicopter squadron in particular. Now, hazing in all forms is completely normal in the military, and I was primarily, thankfully, the victim of a more friendly sort.
It was more or less that I had about two hundred older brothers, like it or not, but most of them were pretty nice to me. They didn’t know their own size or strength, and that was problematic every now and then, but overall I had a fabulous military experience, which a lot of people can’t wind up saying.
Well, one day at work the guys came across an extra roll of stretch film, and they took one look at each other and then came for me. There wasn’t much point in trying to fight it, but I still did, and in between hysterical laughing and just plain hysteria I was completely cocooned in stretch film and then placed against a corner in the wall. I couldn’t sit, and I had to be careful not to fall. It was a couple hours before someone found me, and by then the game wasn’t funny anymore, and the guys wound up getting in serious trouble and I was given the whole next day off of work in the attempts of trying to bribe me not to take the issue to a higher-ranked official. I had no intentions of doing so, but I did enjoy the extra time off.